So, I Guess I’m a Film Critic Now? (Lesbian Vampire Killers – 2009)

When I received an invite on Friday from Momentum Pictures to attend a “private screening of a SURPRISE new film”, I felt honoured and hoped for a great movie similar to when I went to the Superbad screening.

  • “exciting new film, so hot off the press we’re not even allowed to tell you its name”
  • “new comedy that you’ll be seeing months before your friends!”
  • “not for the easily offended and you must be aged 15-19.”
  • “Be aware this film is not for the faint-hearted, there is some blood & gore.”

Was all that was given away. I even tried searching for the film but couldn’t find any details.

We arrived at the screening in a nice little mini-cinema in the downstairs of a nice office building in the West End, and sat towards the back. We were warned that no recording was allowed and that phones had to be switched off, as well as the fact that we could not eat in there. They used the threat of a big (but not ‘hard’ looking) security guard to throw people out if they didn’t do as told.

We were then told the title of the film was ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ of course now I was thinking “this could be interesting”. Don’t judge a film by its title! It was not about lesbian vampire slayers, but in fact, the guys from ‘Gavin and Stacey’ (James Corden and Mathew Horne) along with another actress going around killing lesbian vampires. The producers obviously believed in the idea that “Sex Sells” however they took it to an extreme level.

Lesbian Vampire Killers - Horne and Corden

Lesbian Vampire Killers – Horne and Corden

If I was a mindless drone with no sense of humour that just wanted to see breasts this would have been my ideal film. Don’t wanna give too much away, but it really bugged me how the main female (lesbian) characters had such ambiguous accents (Swedish, Dutch, Irish, sometimes they just gave up and stuck with English). As well as the fact that they all seemed to be Hollyoaks rejects. After watching I realised why the title was not given away, there would have been a room full of pervs (some possibly over 19) and perhaps some lesbian viewers. They definitely would not have got the accurate cross-section of their target audience that they were after.

My entertainment for the night came courtesy of my ‘+1’ who despite their warnings decided to spend five minutes rustling in his pockets for his sweets he snuck in. Then when I thought I couldn’t get any more laughs for the night: off goes his Top Cat ring tone. While he was taking his phone out, the other one started going off (same ring tone). Although he slyly tried to conceal them and muffle the echoing sound of “Top Cat! The most effectual…“. The ‘bouncer’ approached and after suspecting ME, he asked ‘+1’ if he had turned his phone off. My friend quickly replied with “Yeah, I did turn it off, but it must have switched itself back on in my pocket”. Ever the king of cover-ups, he managed to evade getting us kicked out of a FREE screening. Good thing he didn’t open the popcorn!

At the end we were asked to fill in a questionnaire to gauge just how much we (dis)liked the film.

I actually would not recommend the film and believe it should be straight to DVD (judging by the trailer it should be In Cinemas Soon). It tried way too hard to be like ‘Shaun of the Dead’ and ‘Hot Fuzz’ but was nowhere near as funny. However, I wouldn’t go as far as echoing the sentiment of my guest that filled in his comment box: “IT WAS S**T!“I left disappointed by the film with my free sticker and pen in hand.

Worst. Film. Ever

Score of 5.2 on IMDB
(P.S just discovered a comedy called ‘Snuff Box’ from 2006 on YouTube and it looks hilarious!)

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